By: Lianamar Dávila Sanabria/Columnist
When getting to know a new romantic interest, asking about high school and college sweethearts is far more important than asking how many people they’ve bedded.
In the social networking age, contacting an old flame just to say ‘hi’ is now easier and more dangerous than ever. It seems so innocent at first, no hidden romantic motives in sight. All of a sudden you’re under attack by those old feelings you thought you’d shaken. Soon enough, obsessive thinking about the lost love takes over.
I visited and re-visited this situation numerous times after the two-year relationship with my high school sweetheart ended.
Sayings like “out of sight, out of mind” and “absence makes the heart grow fonder” are only myths, according to California developmental psychologist Nancy Kalish.
For the past 17 years, Kalish has taught and researched how people change or stay the same over their lifespan based on research in 42 countries with over 4,000 couples.
Her research focuses on how youth form identities based on shared environments. During these impressionable years, they form identities and define what love means to them together. The most common reasons these couples separate are they were too young, moved away or their parents disapproved.
To her surprise, Kalish found that most successful reunions later in life occur when a couple grew up in the same way, dated for one or more years, lived in the same town, went to school together and knew each other’s families.
My story with Luke, as I’ll call him, started the fall of my senior year of high school. While I had just finished applying to all out-of-state colleges, he was breezing through his junior year. From the beginning, we knew separation due to distance was on the horizon because, to make things worse, my parents were also moving away after my graduation. A month before the end of my freshmen year of college, we saw no apparent solution to our heartache and called it quits.
The strong emotional memories formed during adolescence can be encoded in the sensory areas of the brain, according to Kalish. When an old friend or ex-lover shows up again in our lives, these memories are aroused with the sight, smell, touch or voice of that person. But these memories do not prevent later bonds from occurring that are just as strong or even stronger.
Only a few months after the breakup, I met my next boyfriend. Although I had no desire to be in a relationship with Luke, my inability to let go of my lost love prevented me from forming a deeper connection with Jake, whose heart I accidentally stomped on throughout my sophomore year.
Rekindled lovers reported to Kalish that reunions are comfortable and familiar; there is a very high level of trust, friendship and passion. In essence, they are rekindling close friendships and in an adult romance this is vital to a lasting relationship. Most people don’t long for their lost loves. Seventy percent of Kalish’s 1,600 participants who had never tried a reunion did not want one largely due to not getting along with their first loves.
This left over thirty percent whom she believes look back due to unfinished business. Their romances ended for situational reasons, not by choice, and they always wondered what might have been.
Don’t think this only happens with psycho ex-girlfriends. Kalish also found it took women “two to three years” or shorter to get over their lost loves while men wrote “over ten years,” often adding “I never got over her.”
Luke and I are in two totally different places in life, physically and mentally, nowadays. We have nothing in common besides fond memories of what used to be – at least, I hope they’re fond.
I’ll always have feelings for him, it’s a part of who I am that will never go away and I’m okay with that now. It doesn’t mean I ever intend to act upon them or that I believe it would solve or prove anything by doing so.
Not every relationship can be labeled and some love never dies. Each love that touches our heart stays with us.
If you don’t want to be second best, make sure your significant other isn’t still longing for an old flame five years or more after the breakup.
Check Kalish’s website, www.lostlovers.com, for advice and other couples’ stories.
On the Prowl is a bi-weekly column on dating. Look for it every other Monday.
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