Coital encounters of the third kind

Jenna Kefauver/Staff Writer

To the couples that have sex, or near-sex, in places on campus:

Please don’t.

The last thing I want to see on a Friday morning is you getting it on in your car in a crowded parking lot.

I understand, sometimes you can’t wait. But 9 a.m.? That means you basically drove to the University to have sex. Stay at home and do it, find an abandoned parking lot–something; and then come to school. Don’t go to the most crowded part of campus to give us all a free show we’d have to wait to see on Cinemax’s After Dark.

To those of you who perform, or have oral sex performed on you, in your cars, and you have a housing decal: go to your dorm. That’s so unnecessary, not to mention illegal. Public indecency, anyone? Just go home. Do you really want to do up to 20 years of hard time?

And for those of you who still do your post-coital snuggle and sleep outside my office, next time I see you, I might spray you in the face with water. Just a warning. That’s not your conjugal bed or any kind of bed for that matter. Go sleep and/or make out somewhere else. There’s plenty of semi dark corners on campus for that.

And to those of you who glare at me and all other students and administrators that work in the Student Affairs hallway as we walk by: Sorry, I didn’t realize I was walking through your bedroom…oh wait.

I’m not saying you can’t show some PDA. I do it too. We’re young and in love. Just limit it, please. Or do whatever you need to do where I can’t see it. I mean, there is a stairwell right across from where you’re fornicating. Go hide out in there.

Just calm down and keep it in your pants until you get home. Then you can do whatever you want and no one will care.

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