Top five Instagram photos of Miami girls

Martin Di Diego/Contributing Writer

Let me begin by saying that I am a straight male currently in a relationship. It’s just too obvious what you’re doing. Not just to me, but even to my mom sometimes.

1. The Reflection

Let’s face it: The left side of your face is too beautiful for the world to not see it twice. You know that people scroll through their Instagram feed quickly (and might accidentally commit the biggest mistake of their lives by swiping past your majestic picture by accident), so you’re going to be nice this time and display your face two times just in case. While you help the world see both sides of the same side of your face, poor little, innocent, misguided Maria posted her selfie without putting in the extra effort to reflect her face on a vertical axis. Common, Maria. This isn’t Google+. Step it up.

2. The Bathroom Shot (Maxim Edition)

We’ve all been there. Our camera rolls may be full of them, but some take the extra step to publicly demonstrate their dirty toilet seat, opened tooth paste bottle, and whether they’re daring enough to have an electric toothbrush or not to the world. What some people see as a mirror image of themselves, Miami girls see as a portal to the world of fashion, stardom, and modeling — basically it’s the 21st century wardrobe from Narnia. In these types of pictures, optimal butt position is essential for maximum likes. Many girls do this subconsciously because they’re masters of their own art, but there is actually a science behind “accidentally” sitting on the counter of their bathroom, allowing their Instagramus rectum to bulge out like it desperately needs oxygen. The used towel hanging from their towel rack is not a sign of their inability to tidy up before a picture. It’s actually an allegory to their multifaceted stance on human self-acceptance and their deviancy of the norm, but they pretend to not know that. While hopeless Maria takes a bathroom selfie just standing in place, the more versatile Miami girl throws up peace signs, adds a foot of depth to their face with make-up, and tilts the camera ever so slightly to achieve that deep sense of disequilibrium sought after by so many professional photographers. At this point, Maria will be lucky to even go double-digits in likes.

3. The Marco Island Glory Shot

If you’re a girl, live in Miami, and go to the beach, then there’s no escaping this one. I’m talking about the lying-down, head-to-toe shots wherein one captures, you know, the beautiful line in which the sunset connects with the furthest glimpse of the ocean, the swaying palm trees in the distance, your belly button, and the beautiful multi-colored sand surrounding the blissful landscape. Sometimes I question whether you go to the beach, take this picture, touch the water, and leave. While the foolish and lost Maria takes a captivating picture of the scenic topography that invokes awe, a Miami girl adds that touch of genius by including her toes (exposing her uncut toenails) which adds a nice balance between nature and human anatomy. Maria, if you don’t help yourself, no one can.

4. #yolo

As the wise philosopher Aubrey Drake Graham once popularized, you only live once. Many girls take this to heart but forget that you also only die once. They suddenly realize that life is too short and they need to go to every party, ghetty, and quinces and drink in each one before the world ends. Gathering random people from the party and commanding each one to hold up their red solo cup in honor of their youth is not out of the ordinary for Miami girls. Terrible midnight photo quality aside, these girls really know how to show everyone they’re having the time of their lives. In case you missed their photo caption of “Partying with my day-ones #yolo [every relatable emoji ever],” they make sure you can see it in their eyes and facial expressions that everyone looking at her picture will never, ever, have a good night like that. Simple-minded and misguided Maria goes to parties and enjoys the night by dancing and talking to others and sometimes forgets to take pictures, but Miami girls tell the world that they’re having more fun than you. Maria: Profile —> Settings –>  Scroll Down —> Log Out.

5. No Shame, No Fame

At the end of the spectrum we have the untamed animals (rawr) that can’t be stopped. These girls don’t care if their breasts occupy 95% of the image, if there is more skin in the picture than cars parked at FIU, or if their shorts fail to do their only job. Miami girls who take these pictures often accompany their exposé shots with touching quotes taken completely out of context from books they’ve never read, tumblr blogs they don’t follow, and songs they heard on pandora a minute ago on their Zedd station in an attempt to add that extra touch of cultural capital. These girls are fearless. They know their moms follow them on Instagram and simply don’t care. When confronted by their mom about the picture, they stare at their mom in the eyes and whisper “Like the picture”. They’re honey badgers. These are the type of girls that respond to the ubiquitous “Yoo, we have to chill sometime, whats ur number” comment by @papichulo305miami on their pictures with their actual phone number. Mom has given up already. Ill-informed and irrelevant Maria wore a scarf and nice coat to the museum and took a picture while this type of Miami girl went to ultra, forgot to take her clothes, and just needed to capture that moment on Instagram. Maria, delete your Instagram. #nofilter 

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