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Stephanie Piedrahita | Opinion Director
opinion@fiusm.com
With more than $94 million in ticket sales, “50 Shades of Grey” has become the most mainstream kink book/film of the last five years. It’s the tale of two complete strangers who fall in love under weird circumstances but it has opened up discussion about sexual freedom – a sentiment I can agree with.
While I can respect women who feel more comfortable with their sensuality after watching this film, I cannot support the dangerous and irresponsible interpretation of what a healthy relationship should look like, especially when it involves BDSM scenarios.
In other words, the sex itself isn’t a problem; it’s the relationship between both characters and the lack of communication that leads to the abuse portrayed by this film as “sexy.”
“50 Shades of Grey” became a concern for the BDSM community when the book’s main character Christian tosses aside the three principle standards of the practice to satisfy himself without much concern of the well being of his lover Anastasia.
BDSM is an abbreviation for bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. BDSM partners do research to get the most pleasure without physically or psychologically harming one another. Safe, sane and consensual are the three principles that have emerged in the BDSM community in order to prevent abuse and to soften up stigmas.
Having read the books myself, I recall one scene that bothered me. A “cautious” man, Christian presents Anastasia with a contract (weeks after they met) with explicit rules and standards he wants her to follow if she had any interest in maintaining a relationship with him. These lines include much more than sexual acts, however, noting what food she’s allowed to eat and the type of clothing and grooming he demands.
If the contract handed to her without education from him on the matter wasn’t a red flag indicating that Christian is not a sane partner, then the instances where he bugs her phone, buys the company she works for or intimidates her into emotional submission to have more control, should have been.
Trust is as important in BDSM relationships as in traditional ones, so I question why the author and film producers paint a manipulative stalker as someone who trusts his partner or, even worse, as someone who is trustworthy. Ultimately, she verbally consents only because she fears losing him, which now leads me to the consensual standard.
When consent is given in any sexual interaction, it should come easily, free of pressure to follow through or discomfort from either side. The best way to gain consent is by communicating beforehand your boundaries, your preferences and maybe establishing a safe word to stop if a line was crossed.
“50 Shades of Grey” has led many people to believe that by just saying yes you have the full right to ride out your passion without looking into whether or not your partner really feels safe. In many instances, Grey crosses the line, but my favorite to point out is one of the spanking scenes where Anastasia has this internal dialogue going on: “And he hits me again and again. From somewhere deep inside, I want to beg him to stop. But I don’t. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.”
The second you feel uneasy during sex, you have no obligation to continue. Not only did Anastasia feel scared about expressing herself, Grey drives her to the point of tears and vulnerability she isn’t used to yet, which happens on multiple occasions. Hurting yourself to keep someone in your life is never acceptable. This lack of compassion from Christian and the forced obedience of Anastasia has created a new and harmful depiction of what consent looks like.
“50 Shades of Grey” should not be a replacement for sex education or serve as a manual on how to “spice up” your love life. A quick search can refer you to information on the BDSM lifestyle and link you to porn videos that instruct you on how to pleasure your partner. Only then should you start to consider looking into it. To be honest, there is better naughty literature – fan fiction too, for that matter – out there, so don’t waste time making yourself ignorant in matters of love and sex by taking these books seriously.
Don’t fall for this false presentation of love. You are not responsible for fixing or pleasing someone else if it makes you miserable. You have control of what you find satisfying. Don’t let this movie fool you into thinking disregarding someone else’s well-being is a turn on.
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