Darius Dupins / Staff Writer
darius.dupins@fiusm.com
Don’t you hate it when you’re on Grindr, or the other countless gay dating or hookup apps, and you see a guy who’s aesthetically pleasing, but his profile states “no fats, no femmes” or “no blacks plz”? It’s absolutely devastating because at first glance you think, “Wow! This guy and I are destined to take over the world!” He could be your Francis Underwood to your Claire Underwood, your Ben Wyatt to your Leslie Knope or your Martin to your Gina.
Immediately, insecurities consume you; rushing to the forefront of your mind like a California landslide, prompting you to second guess your physical self. Then you begin reminiscing on the time you noticed the young George Clooney doppelganger grimace at you, which causes you to think it was because of the way your voice sounded like a fleeting soprano instead of a husky baritone. I’m not saying sounding like a soprano when you talk is bad but in this new gay culture, any trait of femininity is looked at as a weakness; traits that “make the rest of us look bad.”
Grindr, Growlr, Scruff and Jack’d are breeding grounds for headless, torso pictures. It’s rare that the average gay dating app user gets the chance to marvel at three faces in a row before an onslaught of aggressive four and six pack abs have hijacked your phone’s screen.
I, personally, am a bit of a thick individual. Fairly athletic and never the one to obsess over what I eat or how many times I go to the gym within the week. I like my body and I also love food. I grew up in a southern home, raised by a black mother who’s well versed in the kitchen. Don’t ever think a slice of homemade cornbread or collard greens missed this mouth.
I appreciate a bit of struggle in the face; think Vince Vaughn at the age of 42 or Benedict Cumberbatch at every age of his life up to his current age of 39. Instead of ripped abs, I prefer a bit of flat tire, a young “dad body” in training, if you will; the kind of body that works out occasionally but appreciates a beer and a box of dozen donuts.
The gay community values chiseled abs and a strong jawline more than anything else, but it seems to have gotten to the point where our fellow gay is body shamed for not having at least a muscular chest. Though it’s important to take care of our bodies, it’s also important that as a group of gay men, we not body shame each other. We’re discriminated against enough as it is from people outside of our community; there’s no need to bring it inside our community.
It’s come to my attention that gay men spend a lot of time in venues that place a premium on physical appearance: bars, gyms and gay dating apps. We live in a highly sexualized subculture that already places high standards on physical beauty while mainstream media assaults us with more images of impossibly high standards of beauty and masculinity.
Meeting someone organically isn’t impossible but it is a hard feat to conquer. You don’t know their likes or dislikes, not sure what kind of music they like or whether or not they prefer fats or femmes.
Would it be more convenient if we all had a thought bubble hanging above our heads that included our physical statistics, an “About Me” section and an optional dating history feature? Yes, but what would be the point in talking to your future ex-husband if those facts are already known?
I don’t hate or think less of dating or hookup apps such as Grindr, Scruff and the others – I have two of them! What I don’t appreciate is the constant body shaming and racism that’s masked as “preference.”
When your profile says “no blacks,” it’s a form of racism. It’s like saying, “Git, boy! Your kind ain’t welcome ‘round these parts!” I’ve always wanted to know, what specifically about “blacks” was so undesirable to these men.
Gay dating apps were developed out of a need to have a safe place for gay men to interact and meet potential friends and partners because in a heteronormative society, it’s pretty difficult to do so.
Regardless if it’s Tinder, Grindr or at a funeral, I’m bound to meet my Vince Vaughn. But for now, it’s about sifting through “Masc for masc” and “no blacks” profiles until I find the cutest guy with the most struggle in the face that loves every black, feminine trait about me.
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