Out + Proud: Christopher’s story

Photo courtesy of Christopher Downs

Christopher Downs/Staff Writer

Frightened, in denial, confused. These were just the many emotions I felt when I knew.

Born and raised in a predominantly Christian environment, the term “gay” was never something I would ever have the bravery to speak. At the time, I had no idea what these peculiar feelings were or why they were daunting on me.

Emotionally distraught, I remember praying to God to take these feelings out of me.

“I don’t want to be this way, I want to be normal.”

Bullied and threatened, at 9 years old, all I wanted to do was die.

Some people would say, that’s pretty bizarre for a 9-year-old boy to want to kill himself, but no one fully understands what it’s like to to be under that type of negative pressure.

Afraid that my parents would disown me, kick me out and never talk to me again, it was a circumstance that I suppressed for years with the pledge that they would never ever want for them to find out.

It was almost as if I was playing two different characters at school and at home and it took a toll on my relationship with my mother — something I could regain now that I look back.

When I entered my 8th grade year of middle school, I felt that the bullying would subside. Unfortunately, it only got worse. Still in denial, the whole “can I ask you a question?” dialogue continued.

While I still responded with, “No, I’m not gay,” it was starting to wear me down.

At this point in my life, I had somewhat of an idea that I might be gay, but didn’t want to fully accept it because it was still a fragile label to have. Even though I constantly denied being gay, I knew people knew but the thing is, is that I didn’t want people to know.

As I matured, frustration began to come over me and I could understand why people always wanted to know about my sexuality. Now at 21, I look back and I can’t help but wonder, what would have happened if I just came out and told people that I was gay?

When I got to high school the bullying wasn’t as heavy as it was in previous years so that made my transition much easier. Since I would be around people that were more mature and accepting as opposed to people in middle school, I felt that the physical violence wouldn’t have been as intense as it was in high school-but I was in for a rude awakening. It was as if being called ‘faggot’ hurt more than actually getting beat up.

At this stage of my life, I spent a lot of my time in my head, analyzing who I was and who I wanted to be. This growth period really made me question myself-I had a feeling people knew that I was gay but were just waiting for me to come out. But this wasn’t something that I was keeping from my peers anymore, it was something that I had continued to personally struggled with.

The summer of my junior year, I told myself that this wasn’t something that I couldn’t run from any longer. Even though my parents were still out of the mix, they always told me that no matter what I do in life, that I should always put God first and be honestly with myself.

I remember crying in my shower, talking to God telling him that he made me this way. At that moment, I realized that this wasn’t something I could run from anymore, it was who I was. So, I took it one-step at a time and eventually, I acquired a new found confidence within myself. I no longer hated who I was when I looked into the mirror.

The decision to come out and live in my truth was one of the scariest choices of my life, but it was something that I had to do. Surprisingly enough, the reaction I received from my friends was like no other. As far as my parents go, they don’t fully agree with it they’ve made it clear that no matter what as long as I put God first and be the best that i can be, they’ll love me no matter.

Something I would tell young-fragile Christopher would be to keep God first, be yourself, and everything’s going to work out.

Out + Proud is the LGBTQ column to raise awareness in the FIU community with stories of bravery, compassion, and love.

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