Meeting Myself Through Isolation: COVID-19

Mia Petruccelli/Staff Writer

This article is a part of PantherNow’s opinion section “Pandemic and Me” series

When I was asked to write about my experience with COVID, I was surprised when I stared at a blank screen for about three days with absolutely nothing coming out of me. After countless walks, long showers and staring at the ceiling for hours, it finally occurred to me that I couldn’t write because I haven’t exactly made it through yet. Alongside the pandemic were some of the biggest changes of my life. Getting laid-off from my job, getting accepted to a university, leaving my hometown and moving to a new city alone, facing isolation while living alone due to COVID… the list goes on and on. 

My first two years of college were spent at Hillsborough Community College in Tampa, Florida.  While this experience was great, I was ready to transfer to a large university with more students, activities and events. But something inside of me was holding me back from being excited.

When I was 17 years old, my mother told me that she was diagnosed with stage IV, terminal cancer. All I remember that day is feeling numb. Numb, and surprised that the day went on as normal after hearing the news. My mom and I lived together, just me and her, so I became her caretaker. We would go to all of her appointments together, I would sit with her every night and hold her hand whenever she couldn’t fall asleep, I would cook and clean around the house, all while trying to keep up with my studies and my life as a whole. 

I went through the first two years of college slowly, two classes at a time, perhaps because I’ve always been afraid of leaving her. But then, all of a sudden, I graduated. She was so excited and suggested different places I could go and things I could do, but I shrugged it all off. 

At the beginning of 2020, I gave into my mom’s wishes and began to travel. I booked a trip to Mexico at the beginning of March and the day I left ended up being the last time I would see my mom for months. The days after coming back home from my trip, I started to feel unwell. One day as I was driving into work, it hit me. I was sick. I walked in to work to tell them I couldn’t make my shift. I remember my boss looking at me and saying, “Nope. Turn around and go home right now.” And that was the last day that I went to work in Tampa. 

The following months felt like a blur. I was out of work, I was living with my partner, I was away from my mother, and I was attempting to cope with the fact that I had nothing to keep my mind busy besides books and cooking. It doesn’t sound that bad now, but I felt so trapped within myself. I struggled to address my mental health and why I was so afraid of being alone. 

One unhealthy habit that I adopted during the pandemic was increased usage of my phone. I fell into a hole of comparing myself to people on my feed: he’s running every single day, she’s working 9-5 from home, they’ve taken on bread-making, and here I am, doing nothing. I started to restrict myself from using my phone, which in turn gave me another reason to avoid keeping in touch with my friends. Everything exhausted me and it turned into a vicious cycle of self and emotional isolation. 

The next thing I knew, I was moving out of my hometown and into a city that I had only been to a handful of times: Miami. The excitement of creating my own space and living on my own took up space in my mind that my struggles were previously renting out…but they were still there, hiding in the shadows. 

It did not take long for me to break, and I remember the night so clearly. In a daze of overwhelming emotions, I called my mom, and at the sound of her voice, I shattered. Months and months of suppressed emotions erupted out of me. I could barely believe that all of these words were able to be confined inside of me for so long. I was so surprised at the release my mind needed even though I was completely aware of my ongoing reluctance towards my inner emotions in the months prior. 

It would be easy for me to say that the past year was one of the most challenging years I have ever gone through as an individual, but truthfully, it was a blessing to be forced into this necessary emotional cleanse. One that I had been stopping myself from feeling for five years. Our minds are incredibly resilient, and always looking out for us, sometimes to the extent of not allowing us to address what really hurts. COVID forced me to see that my biggest challenge was not moving away from home, leaving my mother, or starting at a university, it was believing in my resilience. And we’re getting there. 

DISCLAIMER:

The opinions presented within this page do not represent the views of PantherNOW Editorial Board. These views are separate from editorials and reflect individual perspectives of contributing writers and/or members of the University community.

If you would like to share your pandemic story with us please contact: gabriela.enamorado@fiusm.com