Dylan Masvidal | Staff Writer
There are facets of our world that have never been easy to explain.
Conspiracy theorists still run around denouncing the existence of dinosaurs.
Professional wrestling fans assume a Mandela effect must have occurred for CM Punk to be all buddy-buddy with the WWE again.
And up until now, the idea of a cartoon mouse who essentially holds more power than most government officials spitting a mean 16 sounded like a fever dream.
That’s right, to capitalize on any and every emerging or expired hip-hop trend of the early ’90s, The Walt Disney Company decided it was time for their star rodent and his musical bunch of anthropomorphic critters to ditch the overalls and invest in saggy jeans and backwards caps (as seen on the cover).
Say what’s up to “Mickey Unrapped”: a compact collection of reimaginings and original songs carefully designed to give any dookie diaper-wearing toddler the chance to bust a move.
Listening is also believing, folks, so trust me when I say this isn’t your dad’s Mickey Mouse.
Tell him to take his sensitive self back to the days of “Steamboat Willie” because “Mickey Unrapped” is where the big boys play.
Not only was Disney smugly rubbing their hands together at the idea of raking in dollars from their usual audience, but with guest appearances from hardcore rap acts such as *checks notes* Tag Team and Whoopi Goldberg, convincing the older teen crowd to replace their Warren G posters with Donald Duck would be a cakewalk.
Sorry to those who couldn’t pick up on my lame sarcasm, “Mickey Unrapped” is just as bad as it is baffling.
A failed attempt at attracting the cool kids in a Michael Eisner-led Disney era isn’t that surprising at face value, except a project this unnatural and out-of-touch is a miscalculation you can’t sweep under the rug.
During the aforementioned cover of “Whoomp! (There It Is)”, Tag Team is rhyming on eggshells.
Granted, they were never known for their technical prowess on the mic—or anything outside of their one hit for that matter—but the verse tradeoffs between them and the other clubhouse members give off the impression that a sniper elite is parked outside the studio, ready to scratch an itchy trigger finger at the first mention of a lyric not being “squeaky clean”.
Worst of all is the song titles holding more novelty than the songs themselves.
“Ducks In The ‘Hood” should be a tad edgier and problematic, only it’s more concerned with having the “DuckTales” triplets rip off Heavy D’s flow.
“Ice Ice Mickey” and “Minnie Mouse In The House” are both liable to be sued for false advertising, with the former having zero musical connection to the original and the latter not featuring the titular character in any capacity.
There’s irony to be found in the MC Hammer-inspired “U Can’t Botch This” being the most palatable track on the album despite being most behind the times, proving once again that the “Super Freak” bassline ages like a fine wine instead of leftover Arby’s.
Virtually nothing about “Mickey Unrapped” can be described as cultivated.
The whole thing reeks of boardroom applause and square think cornier than the cob.
Despite all that, I must acknowledge its appeal as a time capsule of sorts, when a family-oriented megacorporation was so high on their own farts, they believed they could put Mickey ears on an entire cultural movement.
If you ask me, I’ll take rapping chipmunks over a rapping mouse any day of the week.
Confused?/10
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