Professor breaks down love in light of Valentine’s

By: Lauren Rovira/Asst. News Director

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, William Berry, professor of psychology, dished out the truths about the L-word.

He delivered a lecture to a full room on “Love, sex, and relationships: Expectations and Reality”.

Room 243 of the Graham Center was packed past carrying capacity on Monday Feb. 13 at 6 p.m. There were 108 seats set up, and more guests continued to arrive during the lecture.

The lecture was sponsored by Student Government Council at Modesto Maidique Campus, and organized by Laura Farinas, the SGC-MMC lectures coordinator.

“This event is meant to commemorate Valentine’s Day,” Farinas said. “We wanted to lighten the mood.”

Several students in the audience took classes with Berry in the past.

Ariel Clark, a sophomore studying physical education, who had taken Berry for Introduction to Psychology, came together with her friend.

“I think he’s funny,” she said.

Her friend, Mary Joo, sophomore in psychology said, “He told us in class [Personal Adjustment] about this lecture and I wanted to come. He usually tells us stories in class about his love life, so why not hear some more?”

Natalie Leal, sophomore student of nursing, said, “I have him and find him really interesting.”

“I know it’s not going to be all positive, but it will definitely be an interesting presentation,” she said.

Berry began the lecture by explaining that it would be laid out differently than originally intended.

“This lecture was originally going to be given with my co-author,” Berry said. “She was supposed to focus on the nice things about love, and I was going to talk about all the cynical stuff. Now, I’m doing both.”

He made sure the audience was well aware that they would not walk away with concrete answers.

“If you came here thinking ‘this is gonna teach me what love is,’ you’re sadly mistaken,” Berry said.

Through songs, studies, personal anecdotes and audience interactions, Berry made his case.

During the lecture, the PowerPoint presentation was divided between slides in black and red, and slides in light and dark blues.

Berry explained these would separate the bad and good parts respectively.

“Most people will experience heartbreak,” he said. “A lot of people can relate to a tumultuous relationship.”

The bleak message was followed by some advice.

“Life is about balance,” he explained. “One should be more honest than not, though. Honesty is what makes a good relationship.” He also warned against false expectations.

According to a survey Berry conducted with the co-author to his new book on love, 75 percent of people believe in a soul mate. This was predominantly the case with college girls.

Berry explained, “unrealistic expectations, including the expectation of a ‘super relationship’…[where] we think they should just know. These are unhealthy.”

“[You] should have realistic expectations for the relationship and your partner. Remain present in the relationship.”

“I’m very existential…you have to ‘be,’” he said.

Berry also said that couples should not become too secure.

“This is pivotal,” he said. “[You] need to commit to working on things. Relationships take work and patience.”

A common topic in love literature nowadays is the subject of couples assuming parent-child relationships. Women become mothers and men become like little boys.

Berry said, “[You] must avoid falling into parental roles, but there has to be a way to get back to closeness sometimes.”

Berry discussed some different theories of love including those proposed by Rollo May, an existential psychologist, to try and answer some of the biggest questions about love.

With relation to May’s theory comprised of the four kinds of love, Berry said, “Ego tries to protect us from painful things. Ego struggles with Agape, or unconditional love. Our selfish desires and our insecurities can get in the way.”

He explained that children can change things because of this very reason.

“When a baby comes along, the man becomes second, or third…or 27th,” Berry said. “Men cease to be the most important part of their spouses’ life. The rate of divorce is higher among married couples with children, than those without them.”

When Berry’s lecture was through, the floor was opened for questions.

When some audience members inquired about the emotional unavailability of men, Berry said, “We live in a male-dominated culture. We tell little boys to hold their feelings, but we feel just like everyone else.”

Berry also explained why people are so clingy.

“It has to do with attachment styles…clinginess is part of the anxious attachment style. It also has to do with who has the ‘hand’ in the relationship…the one that loves ‘more’ feels they are giving more.”

At the end of the event, Clark said, “I feel that it was very insightful. He broke things down, love, sex and relationships.”

“He gave us the good and the bad,” she said. “You can take whatever you feel is best [for you].”