Male fragility: expectations in society

By Stacie Marie-Luce

While social norms expect women to be beautiful, successful and maternal, they demand that men constantly prove their masculinity. Today’s society, in which women are beginning to take stronger leadership roles in their careers and therefore outperform men, tends to challenge the concept of virility.

This contemporary questioning of gender roles has led to a very Manichean way of educating men. Most of the time, parents either chose to raise their boys to be strong, possibly macho but “ready for real life”, or as more emotionally open, but potential targets of mockery.  

Young men struggle with their own masculinity because of the rigid definitions of manhood heard while growing up. In March 2017, the non-governmental organization Promundo decided to collaborate with Axe to launch a landmark analysis entitled “The Man Box: A study on Being a Young Man in the US, UK, and Mexico” about the challenges and pressures young men face today in the United States, in United Kingdom and Mexico.

This research, conducted with a random sample of men aged from 18 to 30 years old, revealed that 72 percent of men have been told how a real man should behave.

Indeed, most men still feel pushed to live in “The Man Box,” a rigid construct of cultural ideas about male identity, which includes being self-sufficient, acting tough, looking physically attractive, sticking to rigid gender roles, being heterosexual, having sexual prowess, and using aggression to resolve conflicts (Heilman,Barker & Harrison, 2017.)

“As a young black man, my parents taught me that I had to be stronger than the majority, that boys don’t cry and that I should not show my vulnerability. They thought they were getting me ready for the tough life out there waiting for me,” said the president of Alpha Phi Alpha, David Bell.

It was a long journey for Bell to discover another reality.

“I used to think that I was an unemotional person and it affected every relationship I was in. It took me 22 years to understand that it is okay to be sensitive and to discuss my emotions.  I was in a relationship and I noticed that I was not even able to understand or acknowledge her feelings, and it made me feel like a psychopath,” said Bell. “That’s when I realized that things had to change, and that we have to teach the youngest that men can cry, that men have to understand and be able to communicate their emotions.”

As a fraternity president, Bell highlights the fact that he is seen as a leader and has to act on it.

“I do have to be strong and be a role model for my peers, but I know I can be weak, because my brothers have my back and they will be strong for me. You should actually expect yourself to have moments of weakness, because that is life,” said Bell.

For Frederick Husson, junior student at FIU majoring in computer science, it is a whole different story. Born in Costa Rica, he was raised mostly by his mother who taught him very early to tune in with his emotions.

“Because I come from a hispanic culture, my upbringing evolved around the fact that men were the moneymakers, while women were responsible for raising the kids. But, when my parents got divorced, the roles changed and my mother became the one person in charge.” said Husson. “She does not believe that men should hide emotions as my father does, but that we are humans and we also need emotional relief. To deprive ourselves from feelings like grief, pain or sadness is already putting on us psychological issues that we will have to deal with later on in life. I think I was raised the anti-stereotypical way.”

Being raised as an emotions-friendly person definitely had a huge impact on Husson’s life.

“I see the consequences of my education because I am able to feel more, and therefore to see the results of my actions towards other people. I also have so much respect for women and I think it is thanks to the way I was raised,” said Husson.

Indeed, this generation is hopeful. Society is changing towards a more progressive vision of masculinity.

“We don’t have the same life that our parents had. Men are not the main breadwinners of the households anymore, people are being more open-minded and I think that social media is playing a huge part in it by allowing men to see other male figures showing their sensitivity” said Bell.

Expressing feelings do not only apply to women anymore. Men are finally able to communicate about those feelings and unveil their humanity.

Husson thinks that fragility is not a feminine thing but a human thing.

“We need to start getting rid of the stigma that men showing their feelings are weak. From my experience, it is actually the opposite, expressing your feelings is taking the step to be vulnerable with other people, and it is a courageous act that defines you as a human-being,” said Husson.