Sex, drugs, drinking: advice for freshmen residents

Alex Sorondo/Asst. Opinion Editor

Dearest Freshmen,

So you’re living on campus now.  Setting your own hours, having your friends over whenever you want, stocking the fridge and pantry as you please. The perks are high.

There are three things that most campus-life newcomers are concerned with above all else, synonymous with the mythical college experience, and while you sidestep them in your previous letter, speaking as though school is your highest concern, we all know what you’re really thinking.

Without condoning sex, drug use, or underage drinking, it would nonetheless be senseless to pretend that you won’t be dealing with all three in your stint as a campus resident, and unfair to offer no advice.

Let’s start with the latter two, drugs and alcohol.

People will smoke pot in their dorms. It’s going to happen. They might not realize how far the smell has traveled, but you’ll probably notice it from down the hall. So will the RA.

One thing to keep in mind about RAs: they don’t want to get you thrown out. They’ll turn their heads from quite a lot if there’s no real harm being done and nobody’s being offended or inconvenienced.

They’re college students, too; they know what goes on.

Still, in my three years on campus, I’ve seen about five people booted from housing and arrested for smoking marijuana in the dorms, one of whom was as bright, disciplined, and devoted as any I’ve met so far.

If your RA catches on, and other residents start noticing, you’ll be confronted. If your RA is exceptionally nice, you might get a warning. Most likely, though, you’ll have the cops at your door, and – being one of the few who gets caught – you’ll be made an example of.

RAs are pretty forward about drinking: if you’re a minor, don’t do it. They also know that you’ll probably do it anyway. For this, I can only offer generic advice: if you’re going to do it, be careful. Date rape and alcohol poisoning will soon rise from the fuzzy, didactic melodrama of ABC Family to the grim plane of reality, with its nexus of accusations and shame and he-said/she-said. The value of an evening, or a semester for that matter, isn’t measured in bottles. Remember that booze has all the capacity to humiliate you, lower your defenses, and ruin the morning as it does to enhance an evening. Just ask Bill Clinton.

Speaking of which: we come, finally, to sex, for which attention should be paid to matters of consent, and how alcohol invariably nullifies it; about respecting your partner’s boundaries and using protection – all that. Free contraceptives are available from health services, and those who dispense them will be happy to answer any questions about safety and sickness and things of the like.

But let us speak of etiquette. Precious, neglected dorm room sex etiquette. While you might feel like The Most Interesting Man in the World for bringing somebody home and rocking the Casbah into the wee hours, it should be known that – as the roommate of a Casanova – there’s nothing more aggravating than being woken at 2AM by the spine-scraping squeak of the mattress next door. Particularly when it’s supplemented by the moans and groans of the sex you’re not having. Just ask Hillary.

So mind your manners, know your limits, and respect your RAs; and stay cautious, my friends.

Your Affectionate Uncle,
Screwmate